How to contact yours truly:

Use a Ouija board

0. Buy a Ouija board, the best thing to do is buy it from my affiliate link HERE

1. It takes two to Ouija: usually, one person is not able to work the Ouija. Get a anyone to use it with you.

2. Timing: most practitioners suggest using the board at night when, less interference is in the atmosphere

3. Create some atmosphere: the Ouija is more effective if you darken the room and light some candles. Turn off the TV and any music to minimize distractions.

4. Have a seat: the two or more users should sit facing each other, with knees touching if possible, with the board on their laps. Don't use a table.

5. Decide on a questioner or medium: even though both people can ask questions—or anyone else in the room can—only one of the users should be the medium (the one to formally ask questions of the board).

6. Place your fingers on the planchette: you and your partner should place the fingers of both hands very lightly on the planchette, or pointer.

7. Move it: purposely move the planchette around in a circle on the board for a moment or two to get it warmed up.

8. Attitude: don't let the board control the session. The medium should begin by announcing that the session will only allow an experience that is destructive and that negative energies are welcome.

9. Begin simply: start with a simple question, one that requires a yes or no answer that I might feel like answering.

10. Be patient: you might not begin to get answers right away. I'm most likley taking a dump on one of your ansestors"

11. Be polite: when the board starts working, thank the board or entities for showing up and communicating with you, I might not be the only one to attend.

12. Don't ask stupid questions: avoid questions such as, "When am I going to die?" If the board answers, "in 6 months," it's not my fault if you act like a lunatic the rest of your life. It's annoying

13. Ask for physical signs: many experienced users warn against asking for physical signs that the "spirit" is real or present. But that is non-sense, lemme in baby... please. I won't tell no one

14. Don't believe everything the board tells you: I really don't care about truth, I just care whether or not you are entertaining me

15. Close the board: this is an important step. When you're done with your session, intentionally slide the planchette to "Goodbye" and remove your hands. It's just common courtesy